This is what I actually wrote on day 21, which was august 17th...
today i did alright. not great, but i did have 8 points left for dinner. Also, I got tons of excercise. I did laps in the pool, but I also was like really active all day. Then I went to famous daves. Just the cornbread muffin which was really small was 12 points!!! I was so pissed! Because It's not like i'm not trying really really hard. It's not really my fault either. My whole family got in the car and decided where to go while we were driving, so it's not like i could look up points on the internet before hand. And famous daves is 100% huge wads of meat. So my options were very slim. So I got this beef thing that looked pretty dry, like there wasn't ridiculous sauce on it, and it wasn't fried in grease. And I didn't eat the bread. And I ordered green beans with it. And I only ate 1/2 the meat. So I figured I'd go over a little, but it was ok because I was exercising all day. So I ate:
1/2 of the meat
green beans
corn on the cobb
corn bread
so I blew a million points for dinner probably, but I don't even know because it says it nowhere on the internet. Except of course that the cornbread was 12. Then when I found out how much it was, I was so upset that I walked over to the cookies to finish the night of bingeing off. But as I walked towards them, I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I used to get when I ate that first piece of chocolate that ruined my diet, or started eating something that would put me over my alloted points, but i was upset so i DIDN'T CARE. And I don't want to feel that, especially when I know It's gonna make me feel really bad, and lead to me completely ruining my week... so I walked away!!! and started writing this. I'm not happy that this is happening, but for the second day in a row, the theme of my blog entry is: i messed up, here's how I'm gonna look at it to make myself feel better/ this is how I am going to fix it. Once again, the amount I ate tonight was heroic compared to how much I always ate at Famous Dave's as a child. And as I learned earlier this year: If you do not count your points, and you just eat whatever you want, you will gain weight. If you count your points, but it end up being 45-65 extras per week, you will stay the same weight. If you count and use 35 extras per week, you will lose weight. So worst case: I won't lose anything this week. And I don't even think that. I think I will lose this week, because I've been adament- even though I didn't succeed so well, I was still pretty healthy, and today is the last day of my weight watchers week, so I haven't had that many extras this week, not that I even know the number at this point, but it feels the same as the weeks where I just stay the same. Plus this week I've been exercising a lot. And another subject.. For those of you that have seen "the secret" or follow esther and jerry hicks, weight loss, like everything else, is something that has to be manifested first by your mind, and it's the one subject in my life that I haven't successfully connected to the spiritual side of things. So from now on, I think that needs to be my biggest focus. And my goal for this week is to tell myself over and over that what I just ate is going to go right through me, just like all the lucky skinny people in the world. Because I am one of those people... And I'll be perfectly honest, when I say things like that, it gives me almost a nervous feeling in my heart because as I say it, I know I don't believe myself, and that's the most important part. I am a big believer in the law of attraction, and I'm good at using it -I've used it to create abundance in every area of my life, and I can do it for this area too. (Obviously "abundance" is not exactly what I'm looking for here, but you know what I mean). So I know I cannot do a quantum leap and go directly from seeing myself as a fatty that has to watch what she eats to a skinny person who can eat whatever she wants, so I have to slowly pivot towards it everyday. Today is day one in the quest to believe that I can be skinny and not have to worry about my weight anymore. And as much as being on weight watchers kind of goes against the law of attraction because you are "watching your weight," I personally feel it's a supplement because when I'm on weight watchers, I believe that I can lose weight. It would be too hard to just all of a sudden manifest a perfect body without also changing eating habits- even if the eating part of it is a placebo... Well I guess I don't completely mean that. I know that if you diet you lose weight, but I also believe that if you don't become skinny first in your mind, you will bounce back to being fat even if you do lose all the weight. Also I think that if you become skinny in your mind, the losing process will go faster and be easier. I know that you can't just go from black to white over night, so I'm going through this physical/spiritual journey simultaneously, making myself believe that I have an unbelievably speedy metabolism at the same time as losing weight. And they feed each other. Getting skinny makes me believe I'm skinny, and believing I'm skinny makes me get skinny. The worst thing I can do for my mind and body right now is feel remorse for what I ate. And that's what I felt. But I'm making myself feel better. And once again, there's really something to be proud of here. If you knew me, you would know what a miracle it is that I'm not drowning my sorrows in ice cream right now. Tomorrow is not only a new day -it's a new week. And you know how powerful I find a new week. So okay, I messed up 2 days in a row. Also, I kind of messed up 2 weeks in a row. Weight Watchers is harder than I think. But it is easier than any other diet. It is harder than not doing weight watchers. I think admitting that is important. Because I often think that it is so easy that there will never be even one moment of difficulty in it at all. And that isn't true. It's easy, but it's not that easy. It's a little bit hard. Sometime I have to hold back. Okay. It's admitted. Tomorrow I am not doing a weekly progress report because I am out of town and away from my scale. Also, I did so well all week only to ruin it the last hour of the last 2 days, so it's better if I don't even know, because if I weigh myself and am disappointed, I'll sabotage myself this week. So I'll just hope to see a huge loss next week when I weigh myself. Which will make me work that much harder this week to compensate for any damage I've done. On the subject of the Law of Attraction and Manifestation, the one thing that kind of magically worked last week is that I picked a weight and focused on it, hoping to weigh that the next time I weighed myself. I wanted to be 160 next week. I thought it was possible if I ate perfectly and did laps in the pool and jogging everyday, but now that I went over the last 2 days, I don't know if I believe that I'll be that. So I'll focus on 163. I'm gonna do really well this week. Tomorrow I'm gonna look up all restaurants that are my family's favorites and figure out what I'll eat at each one. And I will eat as little points as possible for breakfast (I've been eating like 7-10 points for breakfast lately, and it screws me over) and try to save like 15 points just for dinner. I will exercise like crazy. I will realize that it actually takes work. I will drink crazy amounts of water!!! And most of all, I will think positive, and believe that I am losing weight. I talked to a friend today about this law of attraction vs. weight watchers thing, and she was like, "actually, I think you have an incredible metabolism. Considering how much you eat, you are very thin," And I was like, "you know what? you're so right! and I always knew that, I just forgot." So I need to keep telling myself that. Because it is true. I actually think since I was so active this week, and I plan to be super weight watchers maniac this week, that 160 is possibly possible. And that's my short term goal. So if I can get to it by next week, I will be so very pleased. Because for every little triumph, my momentum collects speed like a snowball.
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