Yesterday was my second meeting. I weighed in at 172.2 ... except you see, my meetings are right after lunch, so I'm actually 170 on my scale in the morning. But I'm recording the weight watchers weight because whatever.

The meeting was about dealing with emotions through eating. Of course that was after a night of sitting on the couch eating powdered sugar out of a bucket because I was sad. So it was perfect. Except that I need a lot more lessons on that because I still eat all the time-mostly when I'm bored.. But guess what!! That's what next week's subject is! Weight watchers is psychic! It's amazing.

I'm kind of not in the mood to talk about weight watchers right now, so maybe I'll come back later and say some more interesting things.

Update

Still going strong over here. Nothing to say except that actually joining weight watchers is all it took. After all those years of struggling.

We'll see if I'm still saying that in a couple weeks. It's only been 4 days. But I think I will still be saying this because as I said, it's a different kind of success. Less forced, and more relaxed. I'll probably just start doing weekly blogs with weigh-in numbers and pictures. So those will be on Thursdays. Maybe. Or not, but my weigh-ins with weight watchers are on thursday. When I post it will depend on when I have time.

First Weight Watchers Meeting

So today I went to my first meeting. It was GREAT! I should have joined a long time ago. You know what's nice about actually joining it? Well, if you read my blog you might have noticed that I am determined to convince myself that I have changed. How many times have I said that tomorrow is a fresh start? It's a good thing of course because it shows that I never give up, but joining weight watchers really makes me relax on the inside because I trust in it, and I don't feel panicked about it like before. I don't feel like the whole thing is on my shoulders. I guess it's because since I put such a commitment into weight watchers (money, time, energy, and being weighed by other people), it's really easy to do it perfectly. Of course it's only the first day. But I did a lot of really great things today. For instance, I ate a cookie, and I split it in half and shared it with my friend. And I enjoyed the crap out of that cookie! It was seriously the best cookie I've EVER HAD!!

But yeah, the meeting was very inspirational. Really, I feel relaxed. That's the best way to describe it. I feel like I have a parent telling me what to eat. And the burden is totally lifted. This is really good. You know how I always say that I blog because it keeps me excited and obsessed about weight watchers so that I have the inspiration to go on. But it was so forced. So therefore it was exhausting. But I don't want to be obsessed with it. I want to be obsessed with my career and my life and all the things that are exciting. And today was a perfect model of what I want my life to be. I didn't think about weight watchers at all except when I was in the meeting, and then when I was deciding what to eat. And the lack of worry about food is giving me so much more time and energy to focus on the important things in life.

Also, I learned some things I didn't know, and I am making myself healthier on many different levels. Today I had 2 glasses of milk, 6 glasses of water, a multivitamin, healthy oil, exercise, 5 fruits and vegetables, and 2 servings of whole grain. And with a little focus on what I should eat, it takes the focus off of what I shouldn't eat. Also, after you feed your body the things it needs, you don't crave 20 cookies anymore.

So yeah, joining is the best idea I've had so far. It's so worth it.

JOINING THE CLUB

I'm still having a really hard time with this. I don't care enough to really inspire myself, and yet I feel like crap all day slash feel really fat and unattractive. I've gained 6 pounds since I fell off the wagon a month and a half ago. So finally I did something drastic. I joined weight watchers. Like for real. Imagine that! So on thursday I will go to my first meeting. Plus they give me the online thing, and just messing around on that made me feel a little tiny bit more excited about that. So that's the update on my stupid journey that I'm not so excited about right now. (Which will hopefully change this week.)

Oh Boy

wow. i feel like a douche.

I've been struggling big time. You might notice it by the way I keep writing entires about how I'm starting fresh, but then mysteriously don't write anything else for the next few weeks.

And like I've said many times in the past, I feel like crap. And I don't want to feel like crap anymore. My excuse this time is that I was so busy that I didn't have any emotional energy left to obsess about weight watchers. But the ironic part is that not being on weight watchers, for me personally, equals bingeing my brains out every second so that I'm physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. So forget about weight loss for now. Tomorrow, I'm starting weight watchers again because I want to be happy. I'm starting yoga once a week this tuesday, and tomorrow I'm gonna spend the whole day cleaning and painting and organizing my new apartment to get a fresh start in every aspect of my life. Cuz I'm not gonna lie, my life is extremely exciting for me right now. And I want to do it right. I'm entering the coolest part of my life, and everything is going very well for me, but it would be going a thousand times better if I could heal the imbalance that's going on with me.

Check it out: I am the kind of person that makes lists all day, and schedules, and needs to be perfect. But I am also the kind of person that never EVER follows even one item on my lists or schedules. I can't just kind of watch what I eat one day. I either have to be on a diet in which I am doing perfectly, or I have to be bingeing. So. This imbalance causes a lot of inner conflict as you can imagine. So I should probably learn how to live in moderation. But I don't have the energy to teach myself such zen lessons. But even now! listen to me! I want to learn how to take the middle road, and in my head that means selling all my belongings and moving to india and becoming buddhist. But duh! The right thing for me to do is have my nice and stressfull life, but go to yoga once a week. And be on weight watchers, but let myself go a little over once in a while. And clean the crap out of my apartment, but not expect myself to keep it sparkling at all times. In my wildest fantasies, I'm a really anal person that never has anything out of place, but that's just not possible. I'm an animal. It's really like my brain is split in two. And they're room mates living in the same body. But one's really organized and clean and perfect and type A, and the other roommate's a disgusting slob. And since I'm stuck with both these people inside me, the only solution is to get them to meet in the middle.

See, I'm being pretty hard on myself this week, but then it dawned on me. They call weight loss a journey for a reason. Not to be cheesy, believe it or not. Weight loss IS a journey. And if the story went, "i went on a diet, and it was hard not to eat chocolate, but I did it, and now i'm thin" then that wouldn't be much of a journey. It would be more like a train ride -kind of sucks, but you just sit there... Reality is that weight loss is more like lord of the rings, and around every corner there's a huge obstacle and you lose faith completely, and it sucks, and stupid crap gets thrown your way constantly. So instead of being disgusted with myself for failing, I think of it as yet another setback, and I should do better next time. And after this weekend, I might actually find it within myself to get excited again.

And since I've got so much better stuff on my mind than stupid weight loss, I'm gonna try and link the weight loss to what I'm really trying to accomplish. As a musician, I would like to practice my butt off each day. I would also like to make big steps towards my career everyday. And when I am on weight watchers, I am motivated in every area of my life. Because there's nothing worse than trying to work hard and get motivated when theres 20 pounds of icecream in your stomach weighing you down. So I look forward to spending tomorrow setting myself up for success regarding my surroundings, and meanwhile trying to get a head start on weight watchers. Cuz it really is just the first couple days you have to get through and then you're good. So by monday I would like to be in the groove already. In every aspect of my life. Especially weight watchers.

P.S. What is going on! a week ago, it said I had 160 hits, which I assumed was mostly me, if not all me. And today it's 11,000. Is that right or is that a glitch? Cuz holy crap! I'm slightly embarrased if it's true.

SCRAP THAT...ok now day one

Hello listeners.

Here is what's going on in my life. Yesterday was my first day at a new college. Its my first week living in my new apartment, away from my family for the first time ever. Going through all those changes made it impossible for me to write down everything I eat.

I realize I'm totally one of those people that's always on a diet but never loses weight. There's millions of blogs out there that just stop because the person gives up -being a person in search of inspiration myself, I can say that weight loss blogs and vlogs are very common, and ones where the person actually succeeds is very rare. I don't want to be that guy. I've been pushing forward my success for many years. And I always make a calendar of when I'll probably hit my goal, and then that date passes and I find myself on a break from weight watchers. I did watch my weight on this break, so even if this is the end for me, I did gain something big out of weight watchers which is a healthier way of looking at food, and better eating habits. So lets just say i stay this weight for the rest of my life. I am almost 20 pounds lighter than when I started. Also, I was on a slippery slope before, and at that rate I was going, I would have been huge as an adult, and now at the VERY WORST, I'll stay this weight forever. Also, I am just healthier and happier in general. No more binging.

But it isn't the end for me. It's the beginning. Again! I'm so annoying! But I think as far as the reader's benefit goes, this blog is inspirational because see how I fall off every single minute but I pick myself up every single time? Even if I never lose another pound, it's still success because I'm not gaining. But it's also very not inspirational because of my lack of success. I apologize, but I'm gonna do it for real now. I had the intention of it being real before, but now I'm on my own, there's no crap in my fridge. I decide what is in my apartment, and when I lived with my family, I was living in a brownie jungle.

Ok, so today I have a lot to accomplish. I have to run around school badgering people until my schedule is the way I like it, I have to apply for jobs in the city, and I have to start weight watchers again. The first 3 days are hard because you're not used to it yet. So I have to go in knowing that. Since I don't have any bad food at home, the hard part will come in when I'm downtown and my boyfriend wants to get ice cream constantly. So I just gotta say no. Or I can go to McDonalds instead and get a cone. That's not too hard.

The truth about my absence the last couple of days is that I was considering not going back on weight watchers. My view of food is so messed up since I was a kid, but ever since I got my own place, I noticed that my habits are gone, and I' like a normal person. Maybe I always was a normal person, but just a normal person surrounded my m&ms all the time. But I realized that living in America, you have to watch it, and really know what you're putting in your body, because I think I was still consuming more than I should have just because its america, and even foods that look healthy are likely to be very very bad. I just need to find a way to do this while not messing my mind up all over again. I remember when I first started weight watchers, the only diet I had ever been on was the adkins diet, so I went into weight watchers thinking it would be that hard. Then when I started, I was like -ah! This is awesome! And I really was just enjoying everything I ate. And that was a change for me because in the past, food was just a form of self-sabotage, and eating it wasn't actually that fun because I would grossly overdo it. So I have to get that mind set back of: oooh what am i gonna eat today!?

My school offers a free yoga class once a week. And I'm a musician, so right now I'm more focused on my music than my weight, but if I can turn this whole experience into something that will make me more healthy so that I can focus on my music, that would be good. Because I should be putting all this energy into my music, not my diet.

WEEKLY PROGRESS:

weight: 167.4

Day One: Another Fresh Start

Tonight is my first night in my new apartment. The craziness in my life has ceased, and because my life is very different now, I am in a very good place to start fresh again. I feel bad that I fell off the wagon all this time. I kept thinking throughout that there's gotta be a way for me to stay on it without putting much effort in, but it's so difficult to do it when you have way bigger stuff going on in your life, and weight loss is kind of stupid compared to the other things you're dealing with. If I would have found a way to stay on it, I would have felt a lot more accomplished. But at least I get back on the moment things get stable for me. And this time, I think things will be stable for quite a while. I'm starting life on my own, and for the first time in my life, I have complete control over what happens to me, so I'm starting again. I'll continue weighing myself on mondays. I'll give myself the weekend to take the edge off... of the scale. So hopefully the number I'll see won't be shocking. I'm thinking I'll probably be at 168. That tends to be the number I drift to. I have been eating at a lot of restaurants, so maybe not.

One positive thing I noticed is that even though I tried to still "watch my weight" even though I wasn't counting points, and pretty much failed on that, I did notice that there are certain things that became habit. For instance, at mcdonalds, I order a cone always instead of a mcflurry (3 points vs. 12). And even though I'm not counting, and I'm totally in party mode because I'm off my diet, I still choose wisely with certain things. So maybe I can just grow that trait.

I hope that I'm not just one of those people that just talks about diets, but never seems to get any skinnier. Maybe I'm just sabotaging myself because I secretly want to be this weight -because I always lose weight and then gain it back. But the thing is that I always fantasize about being really skinny, but sometimes it freaks me out to imagine it. And I think I'm much skinnier than I am. When I look in the mirror, I'm like, who's that? So my goal at this point is to get to the size I think I am. So when I look in the mirror, I'm like, "oh its me."

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm gonna eat within my points, and take these vitamins everyday that make you happy. And starting tomorrow, I'm gonna have the awesome happy life that I deserve. I say starting tomorrow because it's after midnight and I'm going to bed. Goodnight.